Let Love

Love is the person you miss when you are alone and hurting.
Love is unrequited and painful.
Love is a strike of lightning that kills strong old trees.
Love is a the storm disturbing an otherwise peaceful night.
Love is seeing your reflection with haunted eyes.
Love is all your wounds that refuses to heal.
Love is all the unanswered questions.
Love is your dreadful past.
Love is the last breath of a dying soul.
Love is the throbbing feeling before a high jump.
Love is a disease that sucks the life out of you.
Love is the homeless.
Love is having to run fast when you can barely walk.
Love is the cold and scary street.
Love is the merciless words you use to destroy a person's dream.
Love is that dream that never came true.
Love is being broken forever.
Love is pain.
Love is ugly.
Love is disaster.
Love is all the frustration you're keeping inside.
Love is all that has nothing to give.
Love is your tears.
Love is your pain.


But love will save us all... if we let it become what it's meant to be. Remove all the ifs and whys, just let it be love. 

True Colors

You with the sad eyes, don't be discouraged

Oh I realize, it's hard to take courage

In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all

The darkness inside you, can make you feel so small

Show me a smile then, don't be unhappy

Can't remember when, I last saw you laughing

This world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

Just, call me up, 'cause I will always be there

- True Colors

One. It is important that I know and that I accept that this shall end. It is important that I know you won't be around forever. We become the truth we choose to believe. Though there are bumps we cannot overcome and stars always out of reach, we can still make the decision to be happy. Be happy from watching a star we cannot catch. Be glad we have the chance to see the beautiful drawing of a sky we can never own. 

Two. Have you met someone you don't see crying but is always sad? Have you met someone who has so much compassion but was always alone? Have you met someone who give more than most people but has so much little? Those people impact lives the most.

Three. I am glad that you have something you hold dear. It's what keeps a person going. When you have someone or something you want to protect, you become strong and motivated even on your darkest moments. You will not be clouded by hate because your love will outshine  negativity. You will fall, you will be broken, you will be cheated, you will lose hope. But you will never ever be defeated by a bad and hopeless life. You will go back to the basics. Remember who you are fighting to live for. Remember why you used to be excited and smiling for no reason. Remember the good moments. The bad days will soon be over. You are not alone.

Four. You know I love you. I will always do. I will learn all kinds of love. I will treasure all moments of happiness from these loves. But your kind of love is something I will remember for a long long lifetime.

Bcilysmaimysb kind of day

In a moment of indecision, I almost lost my grip, thinking it was time for you to be the one to hold on to me. I wanted to feel wanted. I thought too highly of my significance in your life. I thought maybe you would also hurt if I suddenly disappear. You got used to me already so thinking such was not going too far. I was wrong, of course. I almost faded away without you taking notice, not even a blink. Then I realized letting go was something I could not do yet. That would be too easy for you. It was something I decided to do but could not because I was not important enough for you to keep. It was stupid to think you would hold on to me for dear life just because you said a few nice words and smiled to me for being around. Letting go, it’s something I’ll never be able to do on this lifetime, I think. 

So I keep holding on, not caring whether you wanted me to or not. It did not matter that you told me to stay away because you don’t deserve me. I know you needed me and you were just saying that because your heart felt bad for not being able to love me the way I love you. I know you tried. I was just not the one. I ignored it when you told me to forget all the pain despite knowing that you caused it all. I did not hold a grudge when you let me run away. I probably won’t even if you will do it again. I know you were too busy fixing your emotions to care about mine. After all, you never asked me to stay. You never told me to be around, waiting. I did it all on my own so I guess I should blame myself. I caused my pain. I caused it all.

There are moments when my heart has too much burden that it fails to recognize which is love and which is not. But when these pass and my heart becomes certain that I am not confusing love with anything else toxic, I feel happy. 

It's unrequited but it can still be a happy love. 

It’s unrequited and toxic. Still, I should love, she says.

Timing and Destiny

A lot of people finds comfort in the thought that what's meant to be, will be. Hardcore believers would even say that we have no say to what has been written because it is meant to happen. It feels good to be not responsible for life and it probably is best when all becomes shitty and wrong. It is safe and convenient especially when things are not going our way and we are just tired of trying to make amends. It's all a lie. Destiny is a misused and misinterpreted word people has been using as excuse for wrong decisions. It is something we could blame when we are too late to turn back and be in good terms with life. It's all fake and wrong because of people's stupidity and greed to have everything.

　

Maybe it is just all about timing. Regardless what is destined, it will only be a truth when the time is right and when a person decides that the time is right. If someone is not yet ready to get married, even when the perfect person to be married with is right in front of him, he still won't marry. Because the timing is not right. When he finds the right timing for himself to be married, and that perfect person has already passed by and is replaced by someone less perfect but nonetheless good, then destiny's call is for the person to marry the "less perfect but nonetheless good" person. Because he decided to make that moment his perfect timing. And nobody else but himself decided that. It was not a choice of imaginary fate, it is all a person's freewill and stuff.

　

Destiny always does its thing but a person's ability to recognize the right time for something could totally change the course of life. That exact moment when you decides that life is perfect will make everything perfect. You will ignore the wrong things around you because it is the right timing to do so. When you decides it is the perfect timing, you decides to take over your destiny.

Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)

I'll remember..

I'll remember..

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)

-Madonna

Losing is Finding

I found my soulmate a few years back. Then I wrote him love songs and letters and picture-perfect dreams. But like everything else, I lost him to something more beautiful than what I could offer. So I found the most heart-breaking and loneliest songs. I had them define my life while I repeat stories in my head. I made up alternate endings to an already concluded page. I knew I could not change a thing, but ain't it comforting to think we could have said or done something else to stop reaching the point of no return? It was comforting back then. 

Then I moved on. I embraced the pain but the longing could only go so far. Once it had reached the finish line, I found it easier to start listening to the feel-good songs again. I was sad. I hated. I cried a lot. I got tired. Then I started to smile, as if nothing happened. I started to appreciate those that never left. I strengthened my faith to the greater one because I almost forgot He was the one guiding me through it all.

I became happier. I thanked my lost love for making me this strong. Now I can welcome pain once more. Now I can listen to heart-break and lonely songs and still find the beauty of love in them. 

Losing is a beautiful thing because it always mean we're going to find something more than what we lost. It doesn't mean the same exact thing that was gone. It could be finding our own strength, or a better song, or something that would define us in ways we never thought possible.

I love you. And we don't have to be together to act out that love. I will always be your light. Thank you for being a happy memory.

Sometimes I wake and see them reaching out for you

Quietly breaking whatever shields

I spent so long building up

I cannot fake, cos when they cry I'm unspoken

They miss holding my baby

My hands, no they don't wanna understand

They just shake and try to break

whatever peace I may find

- My Hands, Leona Lewis

p.s.
18 days before Christmas! And we go la la la la laaaaaaa!
^_^

A Great Perhaps

First love, a sad story I remember not to forget

Sadness creeps in and memories start to flash

Day by day I keep saying I don't care, not anymore

My hearts knows the words yet I don't dare speak their worth

First love, it is the best story I will someday share

To friends, to lovers, to my one truest love, I hope

I walk with two feet, I listen with eyes closed

And to my first love I say, my heart shall never grow old

Colorful yesterdays, a rainbow-kind of first love

They said the end has gold, first love is a child's prayer

Preciously protecting, with no chance of letting go

I held on, I still am holding on, until I lose control

First love, my beloved wonderful love

Look not behind but within, the magic is in your heart

Say your wish and the stars will command

Once more, be beautiful and be truly in love

Note: The title and the story is inspired by the book I am currently reading. 

I can be your quick fix.

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and

The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through

The faster we're in the better

The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through

The only way we'll feel better

The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand

We could just call it quits, only to start all over again

With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day

Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged

Now I know it's hard when it's through

And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way

But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now

The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

- - - - - - - - -

We are not supposed to let go just because it's hard, we are supposed to be stronger during rough times. We build relationships through time, experiences, and of course, the basic ingredient: Love. 

I don't have the right to judge, no one has. But in this world where people come and go, it is foolishness to take someone for granted. It is not a game that we play when convenient, then we abandon when something better comes along. We are talking about a "life" here. Someone else's feelings. We should not let anything blindside us from being the kind and loving person we've always been just because it is confusing or unsure. Not even hateful words. Not even unforgiving people. Not even harsh realities. Not even lies or dishonest truths.

♫♫♫ The only way out is through... ♫♫♫

Experience the pain to move on from the reason/s behind it. Cry your heart out so that tears won't occupy too much space in your heart. Help someone up from being down so you can forget how incomplete you are feeling at the moment. Watch a crowd of people laugh and try to absorb their happiness, your sadness can have its own time once you get home. Find the best spot for sunrise, then go back for the sunset. Let go. Watch your favorite movies with a friend or family. Find your own distractions. When you are tired of trying to be strong and pretending you're okay, then you can be weak. 

I hope I can be there while you are trying so hard to be not incomplete. But I know deep inside that I am not who you want. I am not stupid not to know I am not the one you need. For now, I can be your distraction. I can be your quick fix. That sound stupid, yeah. Hey, for one to love, one must be stupid.

I know you will have what you deserve, I've always believed that. Maybe not yet, but someday you surely will. Because regardless of what has happened, you are and will always be loved. A good person has a good destiny all planned out. Never get tired of waiting.

I hope you have your personal Baymax there with you.
Uhm. Better if on this dress. :-)

(n_n)                          (n_n)

Going home and getting married.

No, it was not me who got married. Chill.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about marriage and why does some people seems to take it for granted these days. What used to be a sacred vow is now just a scapegoat, to save face you could say. What used to be the most wonderful thing is now just an effect to some cause, practicality at work.

I am not saying all couples who get married are not head over heels each other. But whether we like it or not, truth is, some couples get married for lack of anything else to do with the relationship. Or possibly because it is the logical thing to do to avoid being talked about. 

Magic. Love. Spark. Chemistry. That kilig factor. 

We all want this from our relationship. But when we get busy with life, or when life becomes busy with us, we tend to lose the hyped feeling of being in love. Married or not, it is important not to lose that fairytale hope of an everyday happy ever after. Once we lose this kind of magic in us, we lose the love we worked so hard to keep. We lose sight of why we want to be successful in our career in the first place. We forget how it is like to be excited to wake up. We settle for throw-in "I love you's" and whatsoever. We go with the flow but we are not really moving. We become the leaf the tree just decided not to keep, on the ground, dead and will soon fade away.

My point? Nothing, really. I attended a wedding recently. Then I dreamed about another wedding. Now, there's another one I am invited to. I guess, I hope, love is everywhere. For those getting married and planning to do so in the near future, I hope for a strong relationship full of love, trust, loyalty, and... uhm, good health. There will be rough days, but be thankful that you always have someone to share those with.

And now. My vain mode.
I don't remember what I was thinking while adoring those beautiful flowers...
maybe I was just happy for another start of a happily ever after.

I'm in love with you And all these LITTLE THINGS.

Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me

But bear this in mind, it was meant to be

And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks

And it all makes sense to me...

I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile

You've never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine

But I'll love them endlessly

I won't let these little things

Slip out of my mouth

But if I do

It's you

Oh it's you

They add up to

I'm in love with you

And all these little things

You can't go to bed without a cup of tea

And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep

And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep

Though it makes no sense to me

I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape

You never want to know how much you weigh, you still have to squeeze into your jeans

But you're perfect to me

I won't let these little things

Slip out of my mouth

But if it's true

It's you

It's you

They add up to

I'm in love with you

And all these little things

You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you

And you'll never treat yourself right darlin' but I want you to

If I let you know I'm here for you

Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you

I've just let these little things

Slip out of my mouth

'Cause it's you

Oh it's you

It's you they add up to

I'm in love with you

And all these little things

I won't let these little things

Slip out of my mouth

But if it's true

It's you

It's you

They add up to

I'm in love with you

And all your little things

^_^

Song by ONE DIRECTION

The world moves on even when you're in so much pain.

Stop crying and stop complaining, you do not carry the biggest of all the problems.

Take a moment to look outside... Observe. Think.

See that? The world moves on even when you're in so much pain.

I do not have a good memory. I can't even memorize my own mobile number. But the world has its ways of building our character and making us who we are. I cannot remember numbers and figures very well, but I can remember long conversations and stories that happen a long time ago. The memories of the happy moments makes me remember the euphoric feelings they made me feel. The sad and heartbreaking talks I had in the past can still make me cry sometimes.

They say moving on is the hardest thing to do. I think it is not just hard, I think it can be impossible if we allow it to be. I remember walking out of the gate I was so familiar of, like it was my own house I would never see again. I remember riding the jeepney to my bestfriend's house, with nothing but some change and tears. I remember crying all night, and then crying some more the next day. Crying went on for quite sometime. I remember my ate being so nice to me because she knew I was in so much pain, even when I I was not saying anything. I remember my friends visiting me like I was suffering from a serious illness. I remember just wanting them all to stop and to leave me alone, consumed by my misery. I had moments when I just stare at nothing, then would suddenly cry for reason I no longer remember now. 

I guess it is comforting to cry and just feel the pain, until you get used to it... until your heart gets tired of that aching throb and decides to look again for that light euphoric feeling. Life is full of heartbreaks, but still our hearts will never forget what happiness feels like. When we are done with all the bad feelings, what do we look for? What do we long for to feel again? 

Then we start to move on. Move on in such a way that we don't really forget the pain, we just realized what a waste it would be if we don't carry on life and stay being miserable. We remember the pain, we always will; but the pain becomes a memory of who we used to be and what we used to have. It becomes our past. We continue to move on. We start to be thankful to our friends and family who stayed by our side during our darkest and meanest moments. We start to be thankful to those who break our hearts for making us stronger. We start to grow up some more. We start to laugh again.

I remember what changed it all. I remember telling stories and not crying anymore. I remember the look of pride on the faces of people who knew what I went through. I remember the happiness they had when they found out I am following my dreams.

I remember the good things. I remember the bad ones. I treasure them all. I am thankful for it all. 

^____^

"Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. 

― Meet Joe Black

I paused and played the beginning part of the movie just to get this quote. I believe searching something I can't understand or did not fully get in Google is not learning at all (ok, truth is, Wi-fi is not working. hihi). There is too much heart in this movie that I had that feeling of overwhelming sadness when it was about to end. It did not made me cry, but it definitely made me pause for a while to think and reflect. 

In life, we all have that defining moment when things seem to fall apart and yet pieces are falling into their right places. We need to stand strong and be patient. What's meant to be, will be.

Someone told me before that it is very rare for me to fall head over heels in love, that kind of love that keeps a person awake at night just thinking about all the good feelings. So when I do, I do not hold back. I give it my best shot. Maybe this is what everyone is looking for in life. Get swept away. Be someone else's one and only. Feel the rush of its ups and downs. Moments where we find beauty everywhere. Moments when raindrops are like music to our ears.

It is never a reason to settle with someone just because it is convenient. That is not love. There is the right person for everybody. There is the right time for everything. Do not waste time on something with no passion. We all deserve something better. 

Keep dreaming! Your fairy tale is out there somewhere.

That person who can make your eyes smile
like nothing else matters but being happy.

^_^

The Happiness Project

Do you want to keep playing, or do you want to win? 

-Mother, HIMYM S9

At some point in our life, we will meet that special person who will reset our world. The person who will make sense of all the heartbreaks we had. The person who will permanently make all the pain of the past just a fond memory. The person who will make the long wait all worth it. The person who will make you feel giddy all over again. 

Life is unfair. Love is even meaner. You think so? If you haven't experienced failure or heartbreak, you have not really accomplished anything yet. Your life must be filled with empty spaces. It takes a lot of believing to make dreams come true, to make real love a legacy. It takes a lot of things yourself.

It is not crazy to believe in fairy tales... because I swear they do happen. A happy-ever-after only ceases to exist the moment we stop believing on it. I'm glad I never did. 

^______^

the backward glance at love

We can ruin the world with hate. It will take time to recover afterwards, even with an abundance of love. There are no clichés that could ever inspire us to not commit sins, or make mistakes -- honest or otherwise. What keeps the world from falling apart completely is faith. And maybe hope. And some luck. But not love alone. Love can make miracles. It can create magic.

Yet love alone can't save us from it all. It doesn't hold that much power to do so.

- - - - - - 

Then I fell in love with this song. Someone shared it to me, believing I love the magic love plus pain brings. Listen to this song, maybe you'll hear my heart singing. Or maybe the silence will finally reveal its meaning.

Skies are not as blue, when you're not with me

The stars, they never seem to shine as bright

And the hours drag like days across the ages

And a year or two pass by with every night.

It makes me know if I should ever leave this world before you do

When you follow you must promise, cross your heart and promise to

Find me...look hard, and don't stop, I'll be waiting till then

Dont sleep, and don't eat till I'm back, back in your arms again

I don't wanna have to spend all my forever without you.

Just knowing that you're out there somewhere too. 

So darling...please I'm beggin' you on bended knee...

Find me...

I've tried to tell this world how much I love you.

But they don't understand how deep it goes.

And I can't even find the words to tell you

So I'm the only one who really knows.

And though we have our time together, I am always wanting more

So if we get separated won't you do just like before and

Find me... look hard and don't stop, I'll be waiting 'til then

Don't sleep, don't eat till I'm back, back in your arms again

Through a hundred million faces you will see me shinin' through.

'Cause I glow when you come close , I always do.

So darlin' please im begging you on bended knee..

We can share our love through all eternity

'Cause with you is all I ever wanna be......

Find me

It must be very lonely for Time to heal all wounds...

Girl: I thought time heals all wounds...

Boy: Be patient. Some things, destined to be or not, will happen when they are bound to.

Girl: I just want it all to take away all the pain... to fix the broken, to help me get back up...

Boy: Sitting here beside you, watching you kill yourself slowly with thoughts that bring you nothing but hurt... It must be very lonely for Time to be the one healing all wounds...

No matter how hard we want to, we cannot just erase bad and hurtful memories. Even accidents that could cause memory loss do not guarantee a permanent brain damage (and that's not to consider how far we are now with technology and medicine). Though they never go away, I know they could fade with time. And as we come to create more memories, live more experiences, meet more people, make more dreams happen... we also come to eventually accept that these memories that we allow to haunt us, they are stopping us in more ways than we realize.

They fade with time... and there will come a point when we just don't want to overthink things anymore. Either way, nothing with these memories would change anyway. So what's the point, right? We can play each scene and run the same script over and over until we fall asleep, and when we wake up, nothing has really change. They still happened. But then it's a stupid and unrealistic premise (yeah, I don't believe it myself). It's easy to say "I'll survive this," but of course we do not take our own advice (giving the advice we could make ourselves listen to, that's our friends' job). Seriously though, when we've already moved on from the hurt, when we are already THERE on the other side watching the past with a nostalgic smile, that's the time we'll have the guts to say out loud that "Yeah, I know I'd survive it." But when we're still in the middle of the chaos, all we see is how humiliated we are, all we feel is how painful everything seems to be, all we could think of is that it's never ever going to be okay, all we want to do is be miserable and cry. Speaking from experience (I've been wanting to say that. hahahah), it's hardest to be strong when everything around us is falling apart. Ironically, we need courage the most when we're most broken, alone, and hopeless. Because even when human nature demands us to deny it to ourselves, we're going to be okay. Better sooner than later. Life is beautiful in this way... there are broken roads and there are the smooth ones. We can choose which way to take, but not really where it will lead us. We can regret the choices we've made all we want. But, c'mon, when we were making them, we did not think they were such bad ideas. In case the road we chose to take only lead us to a dead-end, we could always turn around and take another path. Eventually, our faith, perseverance, determination, pride, boredom, luck (and whatever else it might be), will lead us to that road we've been looking for all along. It will be worth all the waiting and failing and trying. Again, life is beautiful in this way.

Mahalin mo na lang kahit kunwari

Dalangin nyang nakatingin sa langit

Naubos na ang sandali ng buhay niyang kasing gulo

Ng ‘sang pelikulang wala namang istorya

Natapos ng ikaw na lang ang bida

‘di man lang nasabi na

Mahal na mahal mo sya

Mahal na mahal mo sya

Naubos na ang luha nya

Pikit na ang kanyang mata

Kanina’y nakatitig pa

Sa larawan mo na yakap nya

(Kai – Maryzark)

special favors and special torments...

I've been deleting ebooks I've read from my phone to save some space for the list of ebooks I've got lined up for downloading. For some reason, I can't delete the Night Shadows trilogy written by Brent Weeks. I think I want to read them again. And I thought, hey, I want to blog about it, too! **wink**

I don't know why I am hooked with this story. It has a lot of unfamiliar terms and complicated connections that most of the time, I had to stop and think hard first before finally getting it. I even look up online if there is a fourth book because I got frustrated with how the third one ended; yeah, I'm that hooked. But then, when I got the hang of it, I can't help but love the twists and turns of the story.

My favorite aspect of the trilogy is how it was able to give love so many meanings and yet they are all love in the end. Momma K's and Durzo Blint's secret love to each other that lead to their own destruction of each other's happiness. Jarl's love to Virdiana; she was so broken that she had given up on herself, he was so broken too but he was willing to fix them both. Count Drake's love to Kylar, he is willing to forgive even before Kylar had sinned. Momma K's love to her daughter that was never selfish. Durzo's love to her daughter that he'd rather kill her himself than make her suffer in the hands of his enemies. Dorian's love to Jenine that lead him from goodness to madness. Logan's love to Jenine that had made him promise even the unthinkable. The concubine's love to the Godking that they saw themselves born to serve him regardless of any evil he does. Solon's and Kaede's love that was so powerful and true that it had overcome long years of separation, betrayal, and death. Logan's love to his country that he punished death to his own bestfriend for treason. Virdiana's love to Kylar so unconditional that she'd set him free even when she had the power to make him love her back. Kylar's and Elene's love (this was the most beautiful and heartbreaking for me), he gave her a life and a future and she helped him keep his soul. Despite all the evil that had changed these people in one way or another, they were able to hold on to love. No one escapes the corrupt world, but everyone has a chance to turn things around. Every one is given more than one chance to make change and be a better person. We can always be good, no one even has to know that we really do it. Love kept them good, it kept them human. It gave them promise and hope. Maybe this book is really about love alone, there were just so many layers to it that I concluded it's equally about death, loyalty, lies, power, magic, faith, and the seven deadly sins.

There's a lot to love in this book (I hope I can be creative enough to make a real review, but sorry, I just don't have it in my blood). Here are my quote collection (fresh from my 2013 diary). If you're looking for a book that could give you a headache and keeps you awake and excited at the same time, this trilogy is a must-try. Happy New Year!

When have you been most powerful? When you've acted in harmony with the deepest parts of your spirit. --The Wolf

We're always committing to things e don't fully understand. --Durzo Blint

Maybe it isn't fair to expect love to be the same every time. --Jenine

The only worse thing than losing them is getting them back the wrong way.

Sometimes to love is easy, but to accept love is hard. --Durzo Blint

It is magic, it just isn't just magic. The most potent magics are tied to human truths: beauty and passion and yearning and fortitude and valor and empathy. --The Wolf

A man who denies what is essential to his being is a man who drills holes in the cup of his own happiness.

That's the burden of leadership, Logan: making the choice when none of the choices are good. --Kylar Stern

Everyone who's infatuated thinks he understands love. --Logan Gyre

Some things are bigger than your happiness. --Jarl

Just because it's a dream doesn't mean it's a lie. --Momma K

There are things more valuable than life. You can't pay for all you've done. But you aren't beyond redemption. There's always a way out. And if you're willing to make the sacrifice, the God will give you the chance to save something priceless. --Count Drake

Your purpose in life isn't your happiness. We're part of a much bigger story. Everyone is. If your part is unsung, does that make it worthless? --Dorian

MRT strangers, random train stops, lost tickets

WARNING: This is full of comeback-post (CbP) drama from me who had been busy NOT blogging for the past few months. 

DISCLAIMER: This is not my real CbP, but I figure less drama for the holiday mood is way way way better. Maybe I'll post my real CbP when there is less of the happy air Christmas season always brings. Yeah, this is "Less" drama. *wink*

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You were on your way to an important meeting, waiting for the next train to come. The station is crowded with people you don't know, it's as normal as it can get. Then in a crowd  full of nobody, you see familiar features, so you focus your eyes to see if it also has a familiar face. It has that thoughtful look you used to love, fresh from a frown that used to make you wonder what makes him worry. In a place with hundreds of strangers, you finally recognized someone. And then you looked harder and realized that no, you don't know this person. Not anymore. It feels awkward to realize that he's more of a stranger now than the others crowding him. He looks exactly the same, except for the new haircut and weird get-up, but deep inside you feel how different he is. He is no longer the man you used to love. He is no longer that someone that can make you cry by merely existing. He looks happy. He looks content. It makes you proud and sad at the same time. It makes you ashamed to feel bad about something that is supposed to be beautiful and great. But you can't blame yourself. You take comfort from the thought that 'hey, I'm just human.'

People start to move again. Frantic. The train has arrived. The familiar rush everyone seems to have does not bother you at all the way it always has. Not today, not at this moment. You forgot about your important meeting. You let people pass so they can get on the train first. You don't even feel the annoyance you always feel when people looks ready to kill just to be able to go in first. You convince yourself that the train is too crowded anyway, and there is always the next train. Few people on the platform remained, he's about fifteen steps away. You don't know if you should smile to him, maybe call out and say hi. It takes a lot of courage to face the very reason you're so afraid to love again. When a person walks away from you without even sparing a glance back, you don't easily forgive them. But then you really miss him... his smile, his smell, his trusting brown eyes... everything. Then he started to walk away before you were able to make up your mind. To go somewhere other than ride the next train. It struck you to realize he doesn't really care. Not anymore. After some time of self-inflicted painful emotions, you were able to make yourself move again. You go with the flow, back to the normal world where you now belong. You still think some of the thoughts. You still feel some of those feelings. Then you close your eyes and you take a deep breath. You turn on your Mp3 player and shut the outside world. You decided to come back to your present and let the rythym of a familiar song and the shake of the moving train knock you out from your reveries.

Until the end of the meeting, over frappes and cakes, with people who are never out of something funny to say, you were still trying to decide what hurts the most... that he can walk away just like that, or that you never really believed he can.

On the way back home, it was not as busy. It doesn't make any difference. Yet you know something has changed. You smile to yourself. It was time to move on again.

Hmmmmmmm.

The worst things in life come free to us

Cause we're just under the upper hand

And go mad for a couple grams

And she don't want to go outside tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland

Or sells love to another man

It's too cold outside

For angels to fly

Angels to fly...

Courage is moving, living, and loving anyway...

People accept the love they think they deserve. My friend advised me once that when you are in doubt, find your way out. Seems like running to me. I always tell myself that I can't run all the time. I have to at least try to face the battle head-on. I am a risk-taker, mostly people labels it careless and clumsy. I know I could get hurt, or make mistakes, or hurt other people in the process. But at least I will know the answers to my 'what ifs.' It is not always answers I like, but the point is I know how it'd end up. I will have less questions to ask. I don't like hurting, it sucks big time. But with life and all the good stuff we usually desire, pain is part of the equation. It's there. Whether we accept it or not, it's there anyway. So to make the best out of it, it's also good to give way to pain; feel it when it demands to be felt, savor it, let the wound sting, learn from the misery it caused, get back up, try again. But on the next time, we have to make sure we make some adjustments and changes, otherwise it's gonna be the same frea**ng fuc**d up result that always boils down to one word: PAIN.

In a moment of indecision between trying and running away, what drives a person to choose the safest bet? When it feels like he is alone in the fight? When there's really nothing to lose anymore? When he is trying to prove that this time, it was him who could give up? When he wants to be the one to leave because he is tired of being the one who is always left behind? When he thinks winning means turning his back because he'd always lost when he was facing everything? When he thought he is not needed and wanted anyway?

Once could choose to run away, and no one has the right to judge such decision. He is not a coward, maybe he is just tired. He is not hopeless, maybe he just ran of wishes. He is not a skeptic, maybe he just stopped believing in the (wrong) things that hurt. Maybe by the time he began to accept he was not as strong as he thought he was, maybe it was the time he would feel less weak. He would see life in a different angle. He would see love in a different light. He would have a different set of beliefs. He would learn a different way to wish and pray. Maybe.

Just because everyone hates it doesn't mean it's not good.

---Gru, Despicable Me 2 (Yep, I've finally watched it.)

Less demands and less requests, less disappointment. Less pain. Less bullsh*it excuses. Less difficult decisions to make. Less people to please. It's a picture of a nice, almost perfectly great life. Key words: Less and Almost. What are we missing when we choose the side that assures us it's always okay? Going with the flow is not living, it's merely existing. The most dangerous rides in amusement parks are often the ones that are most fun (it's my blog, I can be biased). Just like when biking, straight and smooth roads are the 'okay' trails, but it gets boring in time because there's no adrenaline rush, no wind slaps, no cold sweats, no unsteady heartbeats. One has to try, there is always that cliche. But because trying means "I am ready to get hurt" (and to exaggerate things, ready to die), it's never an easy decision to make. We often give this advise carelessly, but when it's our ass*s on the line, can we say the same advise to ourselves? I don't think so.

"What's meant for you will be yours." I argued this statement yesterday, without really thinking it over. I'm usually like that, kill and tell. But while writing this post, I realized something else (it could be not related, so please bear with me)...

Destiny always finds way to make itself happen. But since a lot of people is more often than not involved, destiny is twisted in its own way. It could be written in stone, but what's written are only the beginning and final chapters.  The middle part are blank pages, and destiny needs our help to fill these blank pages. We are gonna end up how we are supposed to end up, but how we get there is entirely another story. Destiny interferes from time to time, especially when we get too far from our destinations, but in the end it's just us. I. Me. Myself. There will be  a lot of choices to make along the way. There will be a lot of people to meet --- some will be our friends, some are only passersby, some will hurt us, some we are going to hurt. We will learn things. We will forgot important events. We will remember marks made. We will live. We will be bums. We will be a lot of different people in one lifetime.

The things is, how can destiny happen without too much of the ugly stuff? It would be great to know, wouldn't it...

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Courage is when you're afraid, but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain, but you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been knocked down,
it's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way, but you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid, courage is when it all seems gray
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway
---Courage Is (The Strange Familiar)

Google Image

of P. Coelho's quotes, Tadhana, and my tagalog posts..

When love takes over, it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; to love is to lose control. 

Dahil konti lang ang oras sa isang araw (halos kalahati pa ginagamit ko sa pagtulog at pagkokompyuter), madalas ay hindi sasapat ang lahat ng plano at gusto natin. Tapos kailangan pa natin bigyan ng leeway ang mga bagay na ipipilit ni Tadhana na mangyari sa atin sa ayaw natin at sa gusto. Dito papasok ang salitang priorities. May kanya-kanya tayong kahulugan sa salitang ito. Gayunpaman, pare-pareho lang naman talaga ang gusto natin. Gusto nating lahat maging masaya. Gusto natin magmahal at mahalin ng mahal natin. Gusto natin lumipad (teka, ako lang ba may gusto nun?).

Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments--but all of this is transitory, it leaves no permanent mark. And one day, we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken. 

Marami pang dadaang bagyo, maraming marami pa (lalo na at tag-ulan na naman). Pero natatapos naman sila lagi. Kailangan lang kumapit ng mahigpit at magtiwala sa langit na hindi naman talaga magtatagal ang pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan. Hindi man tayo binibigyan ng saktong oras kung kailan titigil ang lahat ng mahirap at masakit, again, kapit lang. Tiwala ang kailangan. Andyan si Tadhana para alalayan tayo sa paghanap natin sa dapat nating kalagyan.

Miracles occur all around us, signs from God show us the way, angels plead to be heard, but we pay little attention to them because we have been taught that we must follow certain formulas and rules if we want to find God. We do not recognize that God is wherever we allow Him/ Her to enter. 

Sa mundong ito, madali sabihin na kaya natin ang lahat, na lilipas din ang problema, na lahat naman dumadaan sa mahirap na sitwasyon. Pero kapag tayo na ang nandun, ang hirap tumingin ng deretso sa salamin at sabihin ang ganitong mga parehong  payo. Madaming nagmamarunong at nagtatakda ng dapat mangyari, pero tulad ng lahat, ang salita nila ay walang laban sa Tadhana. Naniniwala ako na hawak natin ang sarili nating buhay. Kaya nga may freewill. Desisyon pa din natin ang nagsasabi sa mga susunod na yugto ng ating kwento. Pero ano ang nagbubuod sa lahat ng kwento ng mga iba-ibang tao sa napakalaking mundo? Isang mas makapangyarihan sating lahat. Hindi man tayo magkakakilalang lahat, sa isang tuldok sa graphing paper,  siguradong nagtutugma ang ating mga linya (sa mga Math people, please hwag n'yo ng pansinin ang metaphor ko).

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God bless the rest days! 

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