Friday, May 12, 2017

Bcilysmaimysb kind of day

In a moment of indecision, I almost lost my grip, thinking it was time for you to be the one to hold on to me. I wanted to feel wanted. I thought too highly of my significance in your life. I thought maybe you would also hurt if I suddenly disappear. You got used to me already so thinking such was not going too far. I was wrong, of course. I almost faded away without you taking notice, not even a blink. Then I realized letting go was something I could not do yet. That would be too easy for you. It was something I decided to do but could not because I was not important enough for you to keep. It was stupid to think you would hold on to me for dear life just because you said a few nice words and smiled to me for being around. Letting go, it’s something I’ll never be able to do on this lifetime, I think. 

So I keep holding on, not caring whether you wanted me to or not. It did not matter that you told me to stay away because you don’t deserve me. I know you needed me and you were just saying that because your heart felt bad for not being able to love me the way I love you. I know you tried. I was just not the one. I ignored it when you told me to forget all the pain despite knowing that you caused it all. I did not hold a grudge when you let me run away. I probably won’t even if you will do it again. I know you were too busy fixing your emotions to care about mine. After all, you never asked me to stay. You never told me to be around, waiting. I did it all on my own so I guess I should blame myself. I caused my pain. I caused it all.

There are moments when my heart has too much burden that it fails to recognize which is love and which is not. But when these pass and my heart becomes certain that I am not confusing love with anything else toxic, I feel happy. 

It's unrequited but it can still be a happy love. 

It’s unrequited and toxic. Still, I should love, she says.