The world moves on even when you're in so much pain.

Stop crying and stop complaining, you do not carry the biggest of all the problems.

Take a moment to look outside... Observe. Think.

See that? The world moves on even when you're in so much pain.

I do not have a good memory. I can't even memorize my own mobile number. But the world has its ways of building our character and making us who we are. I cannot remember numbers and figures very well, but I can remember long conversations and stories that happen a long time ago. The memories of the happy moments makes me remember the euphoric feelings they made me feel. The sad and heartbreaking talks I had in the past can still make me cry sometimes.

They say moving on is the hardest thing to do. I think it is not just hard, I think it can be impossible if we allow it to be. I remember walking out of the gate I was so familiar of, like it was my own house I would never see again. I remember riding the jeepney to my bestfriend's house, with nothing but some change and tears. I remember crying all night, and then crying some more the next day. Crying went on for quite sometime. I remember my ate being so nice to me because she knew I was in so much pain, even when I I was not saying anything. I remember my friends visiting me like I was suffering from a serious illness. I remember just wanting them all to stop and to leave me alone, consumed by my misery. I had moments when I just stare at nothing, then would suddenly cry for reason I no longer remember now. 

I guess it is comforting to cry and just feel the pain, until you get used to it... until your heart gets tired of that aching throb and decides to look again for that light euphoric feeling. Life is full of heartbreaks, but still our hearts will never forget what happiness feels like. When we are done with all the bad feelings, what do we look for? What do we long for to feel again? 

Then we start to move on. Move on in such a way that we don't really forget the pain, we just realized what a waste it would be if we don't carry on life and stay being miserable. We remember the pain, we always will; but the pain becomes a memory of who we used to be and what we used to have. It becomes our past. We continue to move on. We start to be thankful to our friends and family who stayed by our side during our darkest and meanest moments. We start to be thankful to those who break our hearts for making us stronger. We start to grow up some more. We start to laugh again.

I remember what changed it all. I remember telling stories and not crying anymore. I remember the look of pride on the faces of people who knew what I went through. I remember the happiness they had when they found out I am following my dreams.

I remember the good things. I remember the bad ones. I treasure them all. I am thankful for it all. 

^____^

Hate is very intimate.

You force yourself to learn the lesson. It is difficult, but that's what makes the lesson worth the tears and sacrifices. If it is not difficult, you may not have a takeaway at all. When you look into the mirror, what do you see? Is it a face of someone at peace with what she has, or is it the face of someone else whom you think has no right to be happy? Before you sleep, what do pray or wish for? Is it for something good and pretty about yourself and the future, or do you wish for something bad to happen to others? For whatever it is you live for, do you think you deserve it all?

You are the hater. You are a nice person. No one is judging, yet everyone seems to be looking. You do your best to share the goodness you've learned while growing up. You do good or bad, you are hated. No one is nice to you. You just don't care. You live for yourself anyway, so why worry about what others have to say?

The thing is, no one lives for anybody else. We all live for ourselves and our interests. Our lives intersects with other people. We help others get back up when they fall down. We share resources. We find purpose from others' existence. Still, at the end of our day, we reflect on what our actions have contributed to our own sanity, how everything that happened affect us. How it helped (or did not help) our cause. 

When we hate, it is also our doing. Regardless of why or who we hate, it is us who feels the feelings; it is us who process the thoughts in our brains and sends the rest of the signals to our whole body (or however else Science explains it). 

Hate is very intimate. It is as extreme and as strong as love. If you have time to waste hating somebody, why can't you find time in forgiving them? It can be a hobby, you know. Don't you think there is already too much problem in the world?

- - - - - - - - 

And what are these words all about? Nothing, really. I don't even think the paragraphs make sense combined as one post. I am just trying to not notice how slowly time is passing. I mean, I am just so bored right now and I want it to be lunchtime already so I can start yet another great Saturday with my yabhi and my friends and everyone else who is interested to be with me. 

I've been playing Jenny-O songs and here is my takeaway for the past two hours. Somehow, these words just kind of make sense.

I wrestle with my reasons everyday

I listen to my friends and what they say

What they say

If you don’t put out

And we don’t see eye to eye

Then why can’t I leave you?

But you sound so smart

While you’re tearing me apart

I believe you, I believe you

All my wishes have come true

I’m thinking about it and I feel used

And fairly accused

Be another summer, take my fall

Come winter and nothing has changed at all

Nobody calls

- - - - - - - - 

On the good side though...

here we are, the "M Angels" (getting fatter each day),
greeting everyone a Happy New Year!
BTW. Guess who: Three are sisters, one is a cousin. Hard to guess? I know right!

life, the race, the purpose and how it all means to me...

Listen to the mustn’ts, child.  
Listen to the don’ts. 

 Listen to the shouldn’ts, 
the impossibles, the won’ts.  

Listen to the never haves, 
then listen close to me…  

Anything can happen, child. 
Anything can be. 

-Shel Silverstein

Some people will hurt you, some you will hurt, some you won't even notice exist. Some will love you, some will leave you behind. Some will lie, some will be brave enough to tell you the truth no matter how painful it is. Some will comfort themselves with stupid and selfish excuses just to keep the truth a lie. Some would disappoint you, some won't even bear the thought of doing so. Some will come and never go, some will just pass by. Some will leave marks, lessons and scars; some will take everything they can with them. Some will turn their backs when you need them most, some will stand up with you no matter what.

People will always be people. We all have choices to make. We all have difficult things to deal with. We all have sacrifices to make. We all define life in our ways. We all see happiness and contentment in our own perspective. We all want adventures. We all want fun. We all want safe and secure. We are different yet we are the same. We are people. And again, people will always be people.

- - - - - - - - - 

At some point, we all get hurt, we all get to be the one left behind. I was thinking it's really hard not to bear hard feelings when such happen. It is so easy to say we're not bitter, or hateful, or so broken inside, when in fact we are all those things and more. It's natural. The hardest part is that sometimes it suddenly becomes difficult to remember how the good feelings were like. When the bad things start to happen, we tend to forget all the good stuff in a snap. That's why the pain principle sucks, it has to be felt whether we like it or not. When there is too much pain inside, happy thoughts could lose their rightful place. There is only so much a heart can carry. If only we can choose, maybe we will choose the easier choice -- to not feel the pain, to just let it pass without a sting, to just be how it's always been. But as they say, "No pain, no gain." This is how we learn best. We run the mile, we get tired, we rest. We try to run again, we stumble, we find the balance. We go on, we fall, we stand up, we keep on going. We walk. We run. We rest. We move on. Until the finish line. Until we arrive at where we are going. And then it's over... until an entirely new race that we want to win comes along with a whole lot of new challenges.

The universe has a plan... this has been my mantra for the past few days (c/o HIMYM tv series). "And this plan is always in motion. It's a scary though but it's also kind of wonderful. These parts of a machine working together, making sure that we end up exactly where we are supposed to be, exactly when we are supposed to be there.. Be at the right place at the right time." We will end up as products of a plan bigger than all of us. It's great and funny how we have the guts to try to take hold of our future, that we sometimes try to fight what's meant to happen. We can, yeah. It's our life so we have a say on what goes and what doesn't. But then again, there's that bigger plan, there's that "something" there that has it all figured out. We can only do so much for ourselves. It is never just our decision to make.

The fun part with the race is always the journey... not who won, not how fast we run the race, not how easy finishing it had been. The journey is what we tell to our grandkids. The journey is what we remember with fondness. That's why even when it feels like life just sucks big time right now, just let it happen. Take the journey and learn as much as we can learn from it. We make the most out of every experience because it can be a last shot. We never know. So whenever we have a shot, we take it (Pacific Rim). We don't always have that long to think it over first, because by the time we've made our mind, it could be too late already. So we take the challenge upfront when we have the chance. Run the race even when we did not choose this particular one. If we get hurt, we just have to let pain do it's thing, occupy some space we've tried to empty because it feels like the right thing to do. And when we finally realize that we've had enough of pain, maybe we'll be able to open up to other things again. Then we'll be able to continue the race and maybe get lucky enough to complete it, or even win it. Then the happy thoughts, and all other good things, will start to find the place where they've always belonged. It might be a bad day, or really bad days... but my friend, it is never a bad Life.

Sometimes we keep on losing only because it's just not the right race. When we finally find that race of our life, I'm sure it's gonna be a hell of a run. My friend, it's a great life. Let's make this race  another best...

(n_n)

When did the rain become a storm?
When did the clouds begin to form?

Yeah, we got knocked off course by a natural force
And we'll, we'll be swimming when it's gone...

And let them go, let them fly
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me, I've tried

Courage is moving, living, and loving anyway...

People accept the love they think they deserve. My friend advised me once that when you are in doubt, find your way out. Seems like running to me. I always tell myself that I can't run all the time. I have to at least try to face the battle head-on. I am a risk-taker, mostly people labels it careless and clumsy. I know I could get hurt, or make mistakes, or hurt other people in the process. But at least I will know the answers to my 'what ifs.' It is not always answers I like, but the point is I know how it'd end up. I will have less questions to ask. I don't like hurting, it sucks big time. But with life and all the good stuff we usually desire, pain is part of the equation. It's there. Whether we accept it or not, it's there anyway. So to make the best out of it, it's also good to give way to pain; feel it when it demands to be felt, savor it, let the wound sting, learn from the misery it caused, get back up, try again. But on the next time, we have to make sure we make some adjustments and changes, otherwise it's gonna be the same frea**ng fuc**d up result that always boils down to one word: PAIN.

In a moment of indecision between trying and running away, what drives a person to choose the safest bet? When it feels like he is alone in the fight? When there's really nothing to lose anymore? When he is trying to prove that this time, it was him who could give up? When he wants to be the one to leave because he is tired of being the one who is always left behind? When he thinks winning means turning his back because he'd always lost when he was facing everything? When he thought he is not needed and wanted anyway?

Once could choose to run away, and no one has the right to judge such decision. He is not a coward, maybe he is just tired. He is not hopeless, maybe he just ran of wishes. He is not a skeptic, maybe he just stopped believing in the (wrong) things that hurt. Maybe by the time he began to accept he was not as strong as he thought he was, maybe it was the time he would feel less weak. He would see life in a different angle. He would see love in a different light. He would have a different set of beliefs. He would learn a different way to wish and pray. Maybe.

Just because everyone hates it doesn't mean it's not good.

---Gru, Despicable Me 2 (Yep, I've finally watched it.)

Less demands and less requests, less disappointment. Less pain. Less bullsh*it excuses. Less difficult decisions to make. Less people to please. It's a picture of a nice, almost perfectly great life. Key words: Less and Almost. What are we missing when we choose the side that assures us it's always okay? Going with the flow is not living, it's merely existing. The most dangerous rides in amusement parks are often the ones that are most fun (it's my blog, I can be biased). Just like when biking, straight and smooth roads are the 'okay' trails, but it gets boring in time because there's no adrenaline rush, no wind slaps, no cold sweats, no unsteady heartbeats. One has to try, there is always that cliche. But because trying means "I am ready to get hurt" (and to exaggerate things, ready to die), it's never an easy decision to make. We often give this advise carelessly, but when it's our ass*s on the line, can we say the same advise to ourselves? I don't think so.

"What's meant for you will be yours." I argued this statement yesterday, without really thinking it over. I'm usually like that, kill and tell. But while writing this post, I realized something else (it could be not related, so please bear with me)...

Destiny always finds way to make itself happen. But since a lot of people is more often than not involved, destiny is twisted in its own way. It could be written in stone, but what's written are only the beginning and final chapters.  The middle part are blank pages, and destiny needs our help to fill these blank pages. We are gonna end up how we are supposed to end up, but how we get there is entirely another story. Destiny interferes from time to time, especially when we get too far from our destinations, but in the end it's just us. I. Me. Myself. There will be  a lot of choices to make along the way. There will be a lot of people to meet --- some will be our friends, some are only passersby, some will hurt us, some we are going to hurt. We will learn things. We will forgot important events. We will remember marks made. We will live. We will be bums. We will be a lot of different people in one lifetime.

The things is, how can destiny happen without too much of the ugly stuff? It would be great to know, wouldn't it...

^_________^

 

Courage is when you're afraid, but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain, but you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been knocked down,
it's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way, but you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid, courage is when it all seems gray
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway
---Courage Is (The Strange Familiar)

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more often than not, experience shapes our beliefs..

One day while my light is glowing

I’ll be in my castle golden

But until the gates are open

I just wanna feel this moment

I just wanna feel this moment

I just wanna feel this moment

As my title says (and my Facebook status early this morning), experience shapes our beliefs as it does shapes us. It has been one month or so now since my life took an unexpected turn. And by unexpected, I mean crazy-highest-and-fastest-roller-coaster-ride-while holding-a-glass-of-water-that-you-just-can't-spill unexpected. But the cool thing is, my decisions since Day 1 felt like the most natural things in the world. Risky decisions, but worth making.

It felt right. Like finding the lost pieces that I have never realized missing until the moment they resurfaced. Like falling in love with an author and reading all his published books, even those with bad reviews and still being their number one fan. It felt right and somehow, I know that even if I know the outcome after a month would be like this (the story of this is reserved for another post), I would still make the same exact choices. Because really, I was not 100% percent thinking, I was more on the feeling side. Call me emotional, but at least I'm happy and content with who I am right now.

Some wonders how can I accept changes this fast. Some asks why is it so easy for me to make the same choices that tore me into pieces and left me broken and almost dead in the past. I don't blame them. Sometimes, I ask myself the same things. 

Again, experience shapes our beliefs. The only one who could sort out our inner dilemmas is ourselves, no one would love us enough to take over the job. And when tough times come, we can't bend with the bad... we have to be tougher than the times. I've experienced a lot, maybe not that much yet, but enough to make me believe that we only live once. And the moments we have now would never be the same as the moment we will have tomorrow. Maybe I've made another big mistake. Maybe I've made another stupid decision that I will regret for another long time. Only Time could tell, and I trust that Time will have a good story to share. 

We only live once. A lot happens each day but not all moments count. We make the best of it because it's how life works. It's a cliché we grew up hearing.

And yeah, I don't have an ending for this. Bye. :D