Tiwala at puso lang.

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Nagtatago siya sa anino ng isang hindi makatotohanang persona. Sa madilim na mundo na puno ng sikreto, doon unti-unti niyang sinusubukan na buuin ang perpektong buhay. Ngunit sa halip na mabuo, lalong sinisira ng mga kasinungalingan ang kanyang mga pangarap. Hindi siya hinahayaang maging masaya ng kanyang konsensya. Kahit anong pilit niya na magtago, lagi pa din siyang natatagpuan ng lungkot at pagsisisi. Sumusunod. Kumakapit. Hanggang sa wala ng matira na hindi bulok at pangit. Walang katapusang purgatoryo. Walang pinto palabas ng madilim at masikip na kulungang binuo niya mag-isa ng matagal na panahon. Bakit kulang kahit parang puno naman? Dahil puno lang ng hangin at kung anuman. Dahil tila walang kahulugan.  Blanko. Sa totoo lang, hindi niya kailangang patunayan sa mundo na mahalaga siya. Ang kailangan lang, makita niya sa sarili niya na may kahulugan ang buhay niya. Ang lahat ng kasalanan ay may kapatawaran. Walang taong malinis at purong mabuti. Sa loob nagsisimula. Sa loob niya dapat simulang bigyan ng puwang ang liwanag... hanggang sa unti-unti itong kumalat.. hanggang sa wala ng matirang dilim.

Dati akong nabuhay sa mundong ginagalawan niya ngayon. Alam ko ang bigat sa pakiramdam na hindi maging yung totoong ikaw. Kapatawaran. Palayain ang sarili. Bumangon man tayo o manatiling nakasalpak sa lupa, iikot parati ang mundo at sisikat pa din ang araw. Ang problema ay mananatiling problema. Ang dati ay mananatiling parte ng kwento. Hanggang sa hindi mo na bigyan ng pagkakataon ang hindi magagandang kwento ng kahapon na sirain ang ngayon. Ito ang simula ng magandang bukas. Ngiti lang. Tiwala at puso lang. 

^__________^

Courage is moving, living, and loving anyway...

People accept the love they think they deserve. My friend advised me once that when you are in doubt, find your way out. Seems like running to me. I always tell myself that I can't run all the time. I have to at least try to face the battle head-on. I am a risk-taker, mostly people labels it careless and clumsy. I know I could get hurt, or make mistakes, or hurt other people in the process. But at least I will know the answers to my 'what ifs.' It is not always answers I like, but the point is I know how it'd end up. I will have less questions to ask. I don't like hurting, it sucks big time. But with life and all the good stuff we usually desire, pain is part of the equation. It's there. Whether we accept it or not, it's there anyway. So to make the best out of it, it's also good to give way to pain; feel it when it demands to be felt, savor it, let the wound sting, learn from the misery it caused, get back up, try again. But on the next time, we have to make sure we make some adjustments and changes, otherwise it's gonna be the same frea**ng fuc**d up result that always boils down to one word: PAIN.

In a moment of indecision between trying and running away, what drives a person to choose the safest bet? When it feels like he is alone in the fight? When there's really nothing to lose anymore? When he is trying to prove that this time, it was him who could give up? When he wants to be the one to leave because he is tired of being the one who is always left behind? When he thinks winning means turning his back because he'd always lost when he was facing everything? When he thought he is not needed and wanted anyway?

Once could choose to run away, and no one has the right to judge such decision. He is not a coward, maybe he is just tired. He is not hopeless, maybe he just ran of wishes. He is not a skeptic, maybe he just stopped believing in the (wrong) things that hurt. Maybe by the time he began to accept he was not as strong as he thought he was, maybe it was the time he would feel less weak. He would see life in a different angle. He would see love in a different light. He would have a different set of beliefs. He would learn a different way to wish and pray. Maybe.

Just because everyone hates it doesn't mean it's not good.

---Gru, Despicable Me 2 (Yep, I've finally watched it.)

Less demands and less requests, less disappointment. Less pain. Less bullsh*it excuses. Less difficult decisions to make. Less people to please. It's a picture of a nice, almost perfectly great life. Key words: Less and Almost. What are we missing when we choose the side that assures us it's always okay? Going with the flow is not living, it's merely existing. The most dangerous rides in amusement parks are often the ones that are most fun (it's my blog, I can be biased). Just like when biking, straight and smooth roads are the 'okay' trails, but it gets boring in time because there's no adrenaline rush, no wind slaps, no cold sweats, no unsteady heartbeats. One has to try, there is always that cliche. But because trying means "I am ready to get hurt" (and to exaggerate things, ready to die), it's never an easy decision to make. We often give this advise carelessly, but when it's our ass*s on the line, can we say the same advise to ourselves? I don't think so.

"What's meant for you will be yours." I argued this statement yesterday, without really thinking it over. I'm usually like that, kill and tell. But while writing this post, I realized something else (it could be not related, so please bear with me)...

Destiny always finds way to make itself happen. But since a lot of people is more often than not involved, destiny is twisted in its own way. It could be written in stone, but what's written are only the beginning and final chapters.  The middle part are blank pages, and destiny needs our help to fill these blank pages. We are gonna end up how we are supposed to end up, but how we get there is entirely another story. Destiny interferes from time to time, especially when we get too far from our destinations, but in the end it's just us. I. Me. Myself. There will be  a lot of choices to make along the way. There will be a lot of people to meet --- some will be our friends, some are only passersby, some will hurt us, some we are going to hurt. We will learn things. We will forgot important events. We will remember marks made. We will live. We will be bums. We will be a lot of different people in one lifetime.

The things is, how can destiny happen without too much of the ugly stuff? It would be great to know, wouldn't it...

^_________^

 

Courage is when you're afraid, but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain, but you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been knocked down,
it's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way, but you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid, courage is when it all seems gray
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway
---Courage Is (The Strange Familiar)

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