Teal Tough

What doesn’t kill you maims you, cripples you, leaves you weak, makes you whiny and full of yourself at the same time. The more pain, the more pompous you get. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you incredibly annoying. 

―Rob Sheffield

And I say to the world.. 

"You can give me pain, you can try to keep me down, but I will push through... I will push back! I will remain strong. I will beat you. Even when all has gone and left, I will be my own champion. And then there will be nothing to keep me from everything that's happy, pleasant, and peaceful. All what will be are only good. All what will remain are only all that's graceful. And I will be content. And I will be happy."

Tiwala at puso lang.

image from google images

Nagtatago siya sa anino ng isang hindi makatotohanang persona. Sa madilim na mundo na puno ng sikreto, doon unti-unti niyang sinusubukan na buuin ang perpektong buhay. Ngunit sa halip na mabuo, lalong sinisira ng mga kasinungalingan ang kanyang mga pangarap. Hindi siya hinahayaang maging masaya ng kanyang konsensya. Kahit anong pilit niya na magtago, lagi pa din siyang natatagpuan ng lungkot at pagsisisi. Sumusunod. Kumakapit. Hanggang sa wala ng matira na hindi bulok at pangit. Walang katapusang purgatoryo. Walang pinto palabas ng madilim at masikip na kulungang binuo niya mag-isa ng matagal na panahon. Bakit kulang kahit parang puno naman? Dahil puno lang ng hangin at kung anuman. Dahil tila walang kahulugan.  Blanko. Sa totoo lang, hindi niya kailangang patunayan sa mundo na mahalaga siya. Ang kailangan lang, makita niya sa sarili niya na may kahulugan ang buhay niya. Ang lahat ng kasalanan ay may kapatawaran. Walang taong malinis at purong mabuti. Sa loob nagsisimula. Sa loob niya dapat simulang bigyan ng puwang ang liwanag... hanggang sa unti-unti itong kumalat.. hanggang sa wala ng matirang dilim.

Dati akong nabuhay sa mundong ginagalawan niya ngayon. Alam ko ang bigat sa pakiramdam na hindi maging yung totoong ikaw. Kapatawaran. Palayain ang sarili. Bumangon man tayo o manatiling nakasalpak sa lupa, iikot parati ang mundo at sisikat pa din ang araw. Ang problema ay mananatiling problema. Ang dati ay mananatiling parte ng kwento. Hanggang sa hindi mo na bigyan ng pagkakataon ang hindi magagandang kwento ng kahapon na sirain ang ngayon. Ito ang simula ng magandang bukas. Ngiti lang. Tiwala at puso lang. 

^__________^

MRT strangers, random train stops, lost tickets

WARNING: This is full of comeback-post (CbP) drama from me who had been busy NOT blogging for the past few months. 

DISCLAIMER: This is not my real CbP, but I figure less drama for the holiday mood is way way way better. Maybe I'll post my real CbP when there is less of the happy air Christmas season always brings. Yeah, this is "Less" drama. *wink*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You were on your way to an important meeting, waiting for the next train to come. The station is crowded with people you don't know, it's as normal as it can get. Then in a crowd  full of nobody, you see familiar features, so you focus your eyes to see if it also has a familiar face. It has that thoughtful look you used to love, fresh from a frown that used to make you wonder what makes him worry. In a place with hundreds of strangers, you finally recognized someone. And then you looked harder and realized that no, you don't know this person. Not anymore. It feels awkward to realize that he's more of a stranger now than the others crowding him. He looks exactly the same, except for the new haircut and weird get-up, but deep inside you feel how different he is. He is no longer the man you used to love. He is no longer that someone that can make you cry by merely existing. He looks happy. He looks content. It makes you proud and sad at the same time. It makes you ashamed to feel bad about something that is supposed to be beautiful and great. But you can't blame yourself. You take comfort from the thought that 'hey, I'm just human.'

People start to move again. Frantic. The train has arrived. The familiar rush everyone seems to have does not bother you at all the way it always has. Not today, not at this moment. You forgot about your important meeting. You let people pass so they can get on the train first. You don't even feel the annoyance you always feel when people looks ready to kill just to be able to go in first. You convince yourself that the train is too crowded anyway, and there is always the next train. Few people on the platform remained, he's about fifteen steps away. You don't know if you should smile to him, maybe call out and say hi. It takes a lot of courage to face the very reason you're so afraid to love again. When a person walks away from you without even sparing a glance back, you don't easily forgive them. But then you really miss him... his smile, his smell, his trusting brown eyes... everything. Then he started to walk away before you were able to make up your mind. To go somewhere other than ride the next train. It struck you to realize he doesn't really care. Not anymore. After some time of self-inflicted painful emotions, you were able to make yourself move again. You go with the flow, back to the normal world where you now belong. You still think some of the thoughts. You still feel some of those feelings. Then you close your eyes and you take a deep breath. You turn on your Mp3 player and shut the outside world. You decided to come back to your present and let the rythym of a familiar song and the shake of the moving train knock you out from your reveries.

Until the end of the meeting, over frappes and cakes, with people who are never out of something funny to say, you were still trying to decide what hurts the most... that he can walk away just like that, or that you never really believed he can.

On the way back home, it was not as busy. It doesn't make any difference. Yet you know something has changed. You smile to yourself. It was time to move on again.

Hmmmmmmm.

The worst things in life come free to us

Cause we're just under the upper hand

And go mad for a couple grams

And she don't want to go outside tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland

Or sells love to another man

It's too cold outside

For angels to fly

Angels to fly...

a radio song...random Tuesday thoughts...my diary...

Picture perfect, starting to hold on
To these new eyes
My (my) worlds drawn out in crayon
All the lives we come across
We shine a light to see our own

.

I love beautiful things. But they can't be just plain beautiful, they have to have substance, or maybe magical component. Call me crazy, or maybe a kid, but yeah, I live in a fairytale world where Santa's favorite reindeer is Rudolph. And yeah, I still have the song Winter Wonderland in my player even if it's already July.

Remember back to every story told
Who you were before the rush hour
Carousel...
Dared to see the world with your own two eyes
So you’ve made mistakes, now who’s wide awake
It’s a tidal wave...

Dreamcatchers. Fireworks. A balloon. Sandcastles built to last. McDonald minions. Kiddie rides in amusement parks. Soft rainfall. A rainbow. A bouquet of flowers. Cotton candies and gummy bears. All things last. But the best things always leave marks even after it's past their time. And these things, these people who always come and go no matter what lifetime it is, these are what and who I call unforgettable experience. 

Our worlds collide, become one in the starlight
Forget perfect endings
Let’s dare and live for the day
Today, today’s like no other...

I wait for miracles to happen. I wait for extraordinary things to come out of simple everyday decisions. Sometimes I am sure they're gonna come soon, whether I just sit, listen to my player, and do nothing. But most of the time, I know I have to make them happen. Otherwise they won't materialize. Ever. And so I create the magic I want.

Words come alive in the story of our time
Let’s all quit pretending
Let’s dare and live for the day
Today, today’s like no other

I am home...

I wish I can forget all the pain I once felt. At some point, we all wish to erase something in our past, something that we'd rather not experience again. But I know it won't be a better me without all those hurt. I am who I am now partly because of all that has happened to me, good or otherwise. My past is not defining my present and future, but it is definitely a driving factor to a lot of important things going on inside me right now. I am who I am because they happened, and no good promises would ever replace the lessons from those experiences.

Hit a wall...
But there ain’t no shutting this door
We’re gonna live, keep faith
We gonna soar soar soar
To a higher ground
We charge to claim our own

Dead-ends. Final chapters. Periods and exclamation points. Whenever I look back at the past few years, there is always that one person that keeps on 'happening' in my life. He appears, he disappears. He buys me cakes, then breaks my heart. He watches movies with me, then become a villain in my story. I am not sure what he really is, most of the time. This is the first time I'm going to admit this on print: I cried a lot because of him. But at the end of the day, he is still that one person that I see myself with in the future, no matter where we are or whatever we might be doing. A lot of things are really impossible, but a lot of magic exist in this world, too. So why not have faith in something that seems to be not possible even just for once?You just might be surprised with what faith alone could do. 

P.S. I guess despite the decisions he choose to make, he will always be someone I'd pray and wish for.

Hello world, Forget what’s the play
But we’re gonna look to shake this rust away

'Cause i’m just gonna live my life
Pick up the pieces of what’s been left behind
Bring back the memories of that special time
No doubt... No fear...
No question I know what’s gotten me here
My sweet escape, hello long goodbyes

I am...

I am scared, and yeah, I still get sad (my diary could testify that). But who doesn't? I also have to remember the feeling of pain and loneliness sometimes. They make me feel alive. They remind me that I can also be happy and content. They remind me that rainbows are not always there after the storm, but all storms eventually stop, rainbow or not. That prayers get answered. That people who die go to a more beautiful and peaceful place. That even if all things end, they create beginnings, too. As long as I don't allow them to eat me alive and keep me awake at night, then it's okay to give them some space. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along, as what the Maroon 5 song says. 

I am home
Remember who you are
Remember who you are
I am ..i am ..i am... Home...

Our words come alive in the story of our time
Between wish and the waiting
Let’s dare and live for the day...

Soon, I will have to make decisions for my life. To close some open deals. To upgrade to the next level. To collect more experience. To fulfill some short-term goals. To escape boredom, maybe. What I like best about making life changing decisions is that it brings the best out of me. I don't always see the result, or even when I do, there's always an unexpected twist. But at least it keeps me on the game. And as far as I can tell, I am winning...

Carousel (by Bamboo)

- - - - - - -

^__________^

imagine the world without any walls...

smiles freely offered all around...
genuine laughter and tears are those of joy...
we see sincere gestures, we feel the thoughtfulness...
it must be really great to have happy people around.

dreams and wishes, sleepless nights full of silent prayers.
we fail, we fall, we still move on.
it's not the end that defines us,
it's the journey we've conquered with pride and all that.
it must be great to be brave no matter what.

we wait for rainbows during storms...
we light a candle when the darkness hides even our shadows.
the world would always judge, yet we persevere...
people would always mock, yet we stand clear.
it must be great not to lose our fancy child's heart.

there's some who likes the cold, some loves the sun,
either way we do not live alone.
we might survive, but it is not living at all...
even when we cry, we don't do it alone,
when we laugh, we also share the joy...
it is great to have real people, and have them in it all.

real words, loyal promises...
we believe what we hear... we trust.
we see what is shown and do not doubt...
we believe that love is true and hatred will pass.
no hidden motives, no dark intentions....
not even a little dishonest thought or action...
it must be great to have honest people around.

the colors don't fade because we make them last.
we create and do not destroy.
we build things that last.
we die but never really fade away.
it must be great to leave legacies behind.

this is the list of my newly downloaded songs. :)
just want to share 'em. :)

^_____^