My worst kind

It's those unplanned moments and unexpected decisions that make the most impact. When you least expect it, an ordinary day would suddenly do a 360 and become a best or worst. 

Today's topic over dinner with my colleagues is about the different levels of cheating. This was brought up because somebody cheated on someone over a dating website and another unrelated party called it lame. So question is, is there really levels, kinds, types or whatsoever, of cheating? Isn't it that cheating is cheating? I mean, you can't possibly be 50% cheating and 50% loyal, right?

I think you just can't sugarcoat cheating. The effect of the action may differ on different people and situations, but "it" being less painful to someone is not really any third party's place to judge. How can you claim your pain was milder that another's? Maybe that person just dealt with it differently than you so she (let's use she since I'm a girl, i'm not saying boys cheat more often). It doesn't really mean your story was the worst. Worst for you, maybe. But hers is worst for her. Even I think mine was worst.

So let's say I'm to choose what cheating would be the worst ever, what would I say? I think the worst that someone could go through is the kind of cheating with no turning back. I mean yes, it depends on people and situations still on which ones you cannot go back to and which ones can be given another chance. But let's say these conditions don't exist. Let's say I define what worst kind of cheating is. 

Here goes.

The worst kind is the one with love. We were in love. Then you fell in love with somebody else while we were still together. You pushed your luck and tried to make it work with me while also trying to make it work with her. But you could not forget about her. You told yourself you had to choose, but really you just wanted to be with her without any worries. I was on the way. But we had a thing going for sometime so you were not that mean to just let go without trying hard. I found out before you could try harder. I accused you of cheating. You told me you love her. End of story.

It sounds very simple unless it's actually happening to you. It's painful because it's not something you can blame on momentary lapse or judgement or indecision. It's not even something your greatest love of all can overcome because there's nothing to overcome. He already took himself away from you. 

It's the worst and yet it's best kind because it maybe cheating but it could also mean destiny to somebody else. It's an ending that could be the start of beautiful things somewhere else. It's your bad that may be the first best to another. Only time would tell. It's not the kind of cheating that mostly creates anger and frustration, it's the kind that causes long-term pain because it's more calm in nature. It's calm because it's hopeless. There's no second chance because the one who cheated no longer wants another chance. 

So what's your worst kind?

One look at you, my whole life falls in line

I prayed for you, before I called you mine

I can’t believe it’s true, sometimes

I can’t believe it’s true

I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do

I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you

Whatever may come, your heart I will choose

Forever I’m yours, forever I do

I get to love you, I get to love you

The way you love, it changes who I am

I am undone and I thank God once again

I can’t believe it’s true, sometimes

I can’t believe it’s true

I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do

I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you

Whatever may come; your heart I will choose

Forever I’m yours, forever I do

I get to love you, I get to love you

I get to love you, I get to love you

They say love is a journey, I promise that I’ll never leave

When it’s too heavy to carry, remember this moment with me

I get to love you, I get to love you,

I get to love you

-Ruelle

Just Whatever on a Tuesday

If as a kid you thought everything was awesome and wonderful and your imagination brought you to chocolate factories and Disneyland, you had a topnotch childhood. Some kids don't even know what a happy giggle sounds like.

If as a kid you struggled in choosing which bedtime story your parents would read each night, you had a childhood full of love. Some kids don't even have parents to share dinner with.

If as a kid you wanted all Christmas and birthdays to be just about you and somehow you got your way with the adults, what a cute brat you must have been. Some kids never had a cake with their names on it.

Your life was perfect. Then you started to grow up. You started to have responsibilities to yourself and to others. 24 hours seems so short all the time. You still had so much to do that you always thought you were running late on everything. Time passes and you're still running. You still have not gotten your way. Still too much responsibilities. You think it sucks to be you. You feel sorry for what you are not yet even after trying so hard to be someone great and famous. You've been focusing all your energy and time to create more and add titles to your name. You wanted people to remember more than just your face. You chase away idle moments and ignored stopovers because they were such a waste. You circled through life like nothing mattered but achieving your goals and dreams. Nothing did matter... until you've reached the top. Then things started to matter. You tried to remember the last family reunion you've attended. You tried to browse though social media checking if your friends still know you like before. You searched your phone gallery, desperately looking for a familiar face with warmth. Nothing. 

People has moved on from you. You were after the wrong things this entire time, and it was already too late when you figured it out. If you can just turn back time, I'm sure you'd probably do the same things. Or not. See, the thing is, "Life is too short" is such a cliche that people take it for granted.  We throw away a lot of unimportant small items, deciding to just consume our life's space with huge ones, that when one big thing is gone, we are so empty. No small anything to fill in the hole. This time, it sucks to be you, for real.

How to not suck to be you? Grow up extraordinary. Don't be like the rest of the world who wishes for wealth and fame and ends up alone. Wish for wealth and fame and be with people who matters. You can't have it all, but dude, who says you can't dream of it all? Just know your priorities. Know which ones are you willing to lose in the long run. If push comes to shove, which will you let go? As long as you know what you want and you won't get confused when it's time to choose, it's ok to want it all. Otherwise, just think it over which can't you live without for a long time.

P.S.

I've just finished reading Jennifer Smith's This is What Happy Looks Like. It's an ordinary book. Some might even say there is really nothing special about it. I've actually read it twice, the first time was last year around November. Why? Because the book felt good to me. The email conversations were sweet. The pace of the story was not dragging. I remember someone from the story. It made me smile. You should try it sometimes.

EXIT.

Tiwala at puso lang.

image from google images

Nagtatago siya sa anino ng isang hindi makatotohanang persona. Sa madilim na mundo na puno ng sikreto, doon unti-unti niyang sinusubukan na buuin ang perpektong buhay. Ngunit sa halip na mabuo, lalong sinisira ng mga kasinungalingan ang kanyang mga pangarap. Hindi siya hinahayaang maging masaya ng kanyang konsensya. Kahit anong pilit niya na magtago, lagi pa din siyang natatagpuan ng lungkot at pagsisisi. Sumusunod. Kumakapit. Hanggang sa wala ng matira na hindi bulok at pangit. Walang katapusang purgatoryo. Walang pinto palabas ng madilim at masikip na kulungang binuo niya mag-isa ng matagal na panahon. Bakit kulang kahit parang puno naman? Dahil puno lang ng hangin at kung anuman. Dahil tila walang kahulugan.  Blanko. Sa totoo lang, hindi niya kailangang patunayan sa mundo na mahalaga siya. Ang kailangan lang, makita niya sa sarili niya na may kahulugan ang buhay niya. Ang lahat ng kasalanan ay may kapatawaran. Walang taong malinis at purong mabuti. Sa loob nagsisimula. Sa loob niya dapat simulang bigyan ng puwang ang liwanag... hanggang sa unti-unti itong kumalat.. hanggang sa wala ng matirang dilim.

Dati akong nabuhay sa mundong ginagalawan niya ngayon. Alam ko ang bigat sa pakiramdam na hindi maging yung totoong ikaw. Kapatawaran. Palayain ang sarili. Bumangon man tayo o manatiling nakasalpak sa lupa, iikot parati ang mundo at sisikat pa din ang araw. Ang problema ay mananatiling problema. Ang dati ay mananatiling parte ng kwento. Hanggang sa hindi mo na bigyan ng pagkakataon ang hindi magagandang kwento ng kahapon na sirain ang ngayon. Ito ang simula ng magandang bukas. Ngiti lang. Tiwala at puso lang. 

^__________^