Betrayal. Confrontations. Blame game. Fallback. Valid feelings. The constant. Tears. Acceptance. Episodes. Moving on.
This is not my story. It's someone else's heartbreak. But isn't all heartbreak the same? Maybe different reasons and different extremes, but hurt is hurt. A heartbreak is a heartbreak.
We all know how it works. Maybe not firsthand, but we've heard and seen it from someone. We know how it tears apart even the strongest person we know. There's no formula, what people allow to happen, happen. So let's skip the part about how it feels. What then?
So you wake up the next day, dried tears on your cheeks, disoriented, as if waking up from a bad dream. Then you realize it was more than a nightmare. Your mind start a replay of the previous day as if an invisible hand is remotely controlling your memory. Then you break down again. But that's still the "how it feels part". What then?
How to skip the worse days? I believe you can't. It's a phase you have to go through. You will never appreciate how strong you've become if it will just be a passing thought. Become the pain to know pain. Feel each memory burn into your brain until it feels like exploding. It's not really your heart, it's all your brain's fault. It hurts because it is something you treasure, something you've always thought you'd be able to keep. And just like that, without any warning, you are forced to let go. The end hurts like hell, but what's after the finish line hurts more. It's like falling is bad, drowning is worse, but never dying is the worst. So you learn to swim so you can get out of the water. You save yourself because it's somewhere you can't stay forever. You have to lose yourself into the hurt to become better. Heartbreak is like venom curing venom. The cure to a broken heart lies in painful memories. You become your own venom. You still have those episodes, a needed breakdown from time time, which is normal, really. People can't expect you to just move on without going through the routine. Again, it's all the same: you fall down, you stand up; something pushes you towards the edge, you grasp anything you can and hold on; your heart breaks, you move on. Even when your heart keeps on breaking, you still move on.
There is no shortcut to heartbreak. It's so easy for people to tell you what to do, what to feel, how to move on, et cetera. But at the end, you get to decide how to handle it. You don't eat as if starving yourself help dull the pain. You get drunk because you can't sleep. You cry because there's nothing else to do. You send weird text messages with sad emoticons to people you should not text anymore. But no matter how long it takes, at some point, you will realize that you're losing so much to the heartbreak and it's not helping you move on. You're circling around what ifs and what could've beens as if mind role play can change it all. It's torture. There's no such thing as a good kind of torture but maybe the role plays will help you accept what can no longer be. Maybe remembering the pain can help you move on faster. It doesn't work all the time, but desperate times call for desperate measures so you try anyway.
It's easy to lose oneself in chaos when a person is hurt. Losing is easy, but finding is the challenging part. Finding oneself is hard. I guess it's why "soul searching" has become a trend. A lot of people are in so much pain that being lost is the easiest excuse nowadays. When someone asks you how you're doing or what do you want to do next, you know the real answers but you refuse to acknowledge them so you only say "I don't know. I'm lost." As if denying everything will make them disappear. You say the feeling is like your heart shattered into million pieces. It could be true. But it's not really the heart breaking, it's the person's memory box falling apart. It's not wrong to try to fix what's broken, what's wrong is when you force an incomplete puzzle to form a perfect picture. Some things you just have to let go so you can start over. Holding on is a sign of courage but does not always guarantee happiness.
To K - I'm sorry. It's so much to hope for at this time, but I hope this heartbreak becomes your strength yet again. I hope what breaks you will also reform you. Just like before when people broke your heart. I hope that you don't lose everything you are to this. Or even if you do, it will not be too late for you to take back the best parts of who you are. I hope you find peace in your heart to forgive. I hope your heart finds someone who will heal the wounds this caused. I hope you can find your constant, something or someone to remind you life must go on. It does not have to be okay now, you can try to recover at your own pace. No rush. I really hope this does not make you broken for a long time.
To MA - I know you're also going through a lot right now. I hope you become happy, whichever path you choose to take. Don't choose based on how others will see you, choose whatever your heart tells you to choose. You will get judged, people will ridicule you. But I believe you have a kind heart, despite the wrong decisions you've made. Or maybe the decision was not really wrong, it just ended up being one because too many people got hurt. You don't always have to choose the obvious for it to be the right decision. Sometimes, a decision is only right depending on how you stand to it. Being happy is not enough reason for something to be right, but isn't that a good place to start? Just please grab the chance to straight it out now so you will not end up hating yourself too much. I hope your heart guides you towards what it desire the most. I hope this becomes something you can remember with a happy heart someday.
To MP - I know you feel like you don't have a choice other than to disappear, but that's not true. I told you not to burn bridges and disappearing is pretty much the first step in burning bridges. This is a choice you made a long time ago so I hope you know that's it's already too late to dwell on it. People will not accept your apologies right away, but I'm glad to know you sincerely acknowledge your mistakes. It's step one. Forgive yourself first so others can find the courage to forgive you. It might take longer for them to forgive because people felt so betrayed, but they'll all get there. They don't have to understand everything, your choices do not have to always be in their favor. It's not bad that you want to be in bliss, and that your bliss might become others' pain. I just hope you will try to make things right first, apologize to the people you betrayed and hurted, then start over. I also hope that your pain will not overshadow your happiness, otherwise it's a waste of sacrifice. I'm sure you'll get over this, just like everybody else.
If you can't save the relationship, can you at least save the friendship? That's a lot to ask from someone in so much pain.
Let's see how it'll turn out.
Note: This is very long, I know. Sorry. I don't have anybody to talk to right now and I feel so frustrated.
No comments:
Post a Comment