Monday, February 12, 2018

Some burns are worth the pain

When you play with fire, you will get burned no matter how things end. It's not something you can easily put out when it begin to hurt. By the time you start feeling burned, it will already be too late to choose another course. You know it too well. You know that whatever you  burn becomes ashes that you will never be able to hold and keep. Still, you refuse to put out the fire. You believe that what must burn shall burn, what's meant to stay shall remain intact. You convince yourself that you need this to search for something you didn't find by just being still. You make excuses that your heart is lost and searching because it's easier than surrendering to the answers you don't want to accept. You know you have to lose something important to gain another that's lasting. Still, you search for more answers, maybe you'll find one that will hurt less. Maybe there's more lasting than what's lasting. Losing is finding, but not everything you sacrifice becomes good riddance. Endings are also beginnings, but there are wounds that will never heal no matter how hard you try to move on. Some burns are worth the pain. Some burns, the ones that will sting for a long time, these you will regret for the rest of your life.

There are decisions you lose a lot of sleep over with and still end up not resolving. You can't decide because you know there's no turning back once you act on them. Decisions that will take time to prove to be right or wrong so you have to tread very carefully. Decisions you can't easily gamble on because your life depends on them, literally. It becomes harder because you dwell too much on your fears and the consequences in failing. Making the wrong decisions doesn't always make you a failure. How you perceive your success is more important than how others define it for you.

I think it's easy though. If you are not sure you want it, then you probably don't. If you think you might want it because you will need it to fill a few empty spots, then you really don't. Don't pursue something you are only half-hearted to keep because you will surely lose it. Something's value depends on how you treasure it, not on what it used to be, or what it is now. 

You said I tell half-truths, maybe I do. If I tell you I hope you will let me go because I know you can never see me for who I am now, which will be the half that matters most to you? I don't see what's so hard.


Oh, and one more thing. I think Whitney's song should end this well. I was about to include something about it like you asked, but I realized there's nothing more to add. Unless you don't agree on the first part of this post, of course. Told yah, it's a sad song depending on who is asking and telling.

You see through right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of your love
I never knew love like I've known it with you
Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to

I don't really need to look very much further
I don't wanna have to go where you don't follow
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
I can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide
Your love I'll remember forever

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me...
I have nothing, nothing, nothing...

- I Have Nothing, Whitney Houston