Never waste people's emotions

I've been questioning a lot about my existence and purpose the past few weeks. I've been asking myself questions I never thought I'd have to ask myself again. I've been re-evaluating my worth, trying to give excuses to all the things I feel wrong about myself. I've been blaming it to postmartum. But really, it's just the usual me being paranoid and insecure.

I like where I am right now. However, I'm not sure if it's really where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong here. Sometimes, it feels like someone else was meant to be where I am standing.

When something goes wrong, I always blame it on me for not being enough, for not being someone people need in their life. I have this trauma of being unwanted, of always being less than others. I've been trying to overcome this. I've been trying to make myself trust myself more to be worthy of any kind of love I get. But there are days when it just gets tougher. There are days when there are more questions than answers. 

I'm happy. But I'm also scared. I always imagine how it'll be when the happy days run out. It's less disappointing to let go of happy times when you've been expecting the bad days to come. But even this is difficult. 

I've been having breakdowns I can't tell people about because even I don't understand what they are for. I would cry while taking a bath, get lost in thoughts while eating breakfast, or stay up all day and night, tired but unable to sleep (like right now LOL). I don't have much luxury of time for these moments. But when I do get them, it really hurts a lot. My only consolation is the thought that I am loved, and this will surely pass.

. . . . . . . .

I want to spend the rest of my life being the best mom and wife to my family. There's nowhere else I want to be. This is all where my stregth is coming from. Home is where the heart is, after all. 

. . . . . . . .

I just want people to say, "Look, he's very lucky to experience a love worth of lifetimes."